***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
