I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
