dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
