Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
