let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
