This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
