My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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