You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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