And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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