I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
