why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
