I am in a vortex of obligation.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
