i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
