I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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