By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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