Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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