Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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