The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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