that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
