is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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