I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
