Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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