you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
