also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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