I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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