Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So here I am, sexting at work.
try to milk me bitch
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