I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
