i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
