Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This baby is an asshole
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
