How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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