It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
