I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
