I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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