just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
