we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
