Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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