I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
