I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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