She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
