in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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