Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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