I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
