I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
