my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
