we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
