Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
