3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
