I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
