I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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