What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
