I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
