So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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